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Communication & Dignity

Jill O'Donnell

As working adults, many of us take great pains to find the best answer for looking after our aging parents. Whether our parent or loved one has moved to a care-giving facility or is being looked after at home, we deal with our own feelings of anxiety, guilt, hope, relief. They are, however, not the only feelings to consider.

Dorothy, is almost 97 years old. Until a month ago, she was, remarkably, able to live fairly independently, looking forward to her working daughter's visits for special chores to be done. She liked looking after herself, going on outings and visiting her family and friends.

She doesn't look her age but certainly feels it. But even with failing vision and hearing, and increasing difficulty getting about, Dorothy has been, and remains, a woman of great dignity. To her mind, needing to be looked after represents the loss of that dignity.

Take mealtime. Food is put in front of her without any consideration as to what she would have liked. For whatever reason – not wanting to “bother busy people”, somehow feeling that she should be grateful for their efforts, or not realizing that she has the right to ask what else is available – Dorothy is under the impression that she has to eat what's given to her – even if it's something she doesn't want to or can't eat. Here's an important point: she may not have asked, but has anyone asked her?

Despite her physical frailties, Dorothy is fully cognizant of what is happening around her. She hasn't taken an overnight time-trip back to kindergarten, although to hear some people speak to her, you'd think she'd lost all her faculties. Forgetting that elderly people have lived full, responsible, exciting lives and still know a thing or two, is an occupational hazard many caregivers suffer from. Being talked down to erases all the respect they've rightly earned.

At many care facilities, the elderly are not allowed to take their own medications. While this may be understandable with dangerous and/or life-sustaining medication, this implies they haven't the faculties to do anything for themselves. For example, Dorothy has been administering her own eye drops at exactly five o'clock for twenty years. Those were her doctor's instructions. It upsets her now, when, for a number of good reasons, her caregiver can't be there to administer the drops on time, because Dorothy has always been mindful to follow those directions carefully. And it's something she can still safely do herself.

Any of us, if we've been confined to a bed or a care area after illness or other reason, can sympathize with Dorothy's feelings of frustration and even embarrassment or shame, when suddenly our well being and normal comforts depend on the ability and attention of others. How can we resolve for Dorothy and ourselves, the dilemma of a busy caregiver and the uncomfortable recipient of that care?

Often, it's just a case of improved communication. It's not a case of speaking more loudly. Communication is strengthened by eye contact. Dorothy's nifty new hearing aid works much better than her old one, however, if she could see the person's face when she was spoken to, things would go much more smoothly. Again, older people who cannot see or hear well are often treated as if they are unintelligent or demented. Dorothy is neither. But feels she is treated that way. 

As we age, we may well be in Dorothy's shoes one day. Let us all treat others now with the respect and dignity they deserve – the way we would like to be treated in future.

Jill O'Donnell is co-author of The Canadian Retirement Guide.