Special Report first published in 
Caregivers - Are You a Sandwich or a Hamburger?
The fastest growing segment of our population is the over 85-age group. That means more and more of us have aging parents who will at some point require care.
You’re likely familiar with the term “sandwich generation” but it’s not always as straightforward as you might think.
What does it mean to be a sandwich? There are really two types - Open-Faced and Regular.
If you are a couple with growing children and aging parents who require help, you are a Regular sandwich, caught between the generations.
Today there are many single people who do not have children but have aging loved ones. That is an Open-Faced Sandwich. Consider Fred and Darlene, a middle-aged professional couple with no children. Though their parents died many years ago, Fred and Darlene were thrust into the caregiver role when Darlene’s Aunt Mary, a single woman with no children, became ill.
So, what’s a Hamburger? I use the term Hamburger to describe a family that is a couple with young children, aging parents and even older grandparents.
This category also includes reconstituted families that have formed through divorce and remarriage. Remarriages can involve very young children, teen-agers, adult children, grandchildren and aging parents.
Keep in mind that relationships built up over years between family members do not always end when a divorce occurs. Consider Ruth and Harry’s situation.
Ruth was just about to take early retirement when her husband, Harry informed her he wanted a divorce to marry his personal assistant who was half his age.
Over the years, Harry’s mother, Joan had become very good friends with Ruth. When Joan required assistance in finding a retirement home, she turned to Ruth, not Harry, for help.
Joan became increasingly reliant on Ruth, saying she did not really care for Harry’s new wife. The more Ruth became involved, the further removed Harry became until eventually, Harry stopped visiting his mother altogether.
Ruth was the one who arranged for a move to a long term care facility and continued to visit Joan on a regular basis. When Joan died, she left the bulk of her estate to Ruth.
As a gerontologist, I too frequently get calls from adult children when a crisis occurs. “My Dad is in the hospital and the doctor tells me he cannot go home alone.” “My Mother is in early stages of dementia and my Father is finding it very difficult to manage her care. He asked me if I could have Mother live with me.”
Crisis management is never easy. If you think you will be a caregiver, it’s prudent to plan ahead.
First, be prepared. This means planning ahead and not waiting until a crisis occurs before taking action. Remember, aging parents are reluctant to admit when their health fails. Nor do they readily accept help. If you help them to plan ahead by writing a Life Plan when they’re still well, it will ease much of the burden of care when it is needed.
A Life Plan takes into consideration family involvement, relationships and health without losing sight of the need to save and invest for the future. A guide to creating a Life Plan is available in the second chapter of my book, The Canadian Retirement Guide – A Comprehensive Handbook on Aging, Retirement, Caregiving & Health.
Care giving can be anything from taking your parent to the bank, a doctor’s appointment, shopping, helping to cut grass or shovel snow, all the way through to giving personal care. For those who are currently caregivers, consider the following.
Take care of yourself. Ask for help from a sibling, a neighbour or consider paying an agency for assistance.
Make certain your life has balance. Unfortunately, many women are caught between their careers and care giving, trying to balance both in order to live a relatively normal life.
Stress from both a physical and emotional sense must be addressed. If you are a caregiver and suffer burnout, you are no longer any help to your aging parent.
Finances are a major consideration and should not be ignored. Costs, whether the person lives at home or is moved to a facility, must be factored in.
Understanding the role you currently hold or eventually will hold in caring for an aging parent is part of the planning process. If you plan ahead, you will be prepared when your parent needs help. You will be able to step up to the challenge care giving presents.
